WHO AM I? SAID OLIVER

“Happy 13th birthday Oliver!” [[Blow out the candles]] [[Offer your parents a slice to check for poison]]

My beaming parents sing to me while holding my favorite cake, a chocolate ice cream cake, adorned with thirteen blue candles, my favorite color. [[Make a wish]] [[Fake a smile]]

My mother and father give me a funny look. It appears they have never been asked this question before. [[Make them eat]] [[Nothing will be different... ->Make a wish]]

My family is perfect. They have it all- their perfect little boy, perfect white picket fences, and even a perfect golden retriever to boot. What I want is not something worth wishing for anymore... Not again. It is too painful. [[What is wrong with ''you'' Oliver?]]

I smile back at them, the metal in my braces glinting against the harsh candlelight. It’s a convincing smile- it has to be or else they will worry about me. I need them to think everything is okay. That their perfect little boy and his 13th birthday is exactly that- perfect. [[What is wrong with ''you'' Oliver?]]

Dad takes a bite adorned with a tedious smile. "Tastes good. Honey?" He turns to your mother. "Take a bite for Oliver." She does as she is told. And so do you. [[Reminisce... ->Fake a smile]]

This is my second time celebrating my 13th birthday. The first time around my birthday cake was strawberry and cream angel cake. The candles were orange. [[Is it the color?]] [[Of fucking course it's not...]]

I wish it were that simple. I don’t know why I never make it past my 13th birthday. I have spent the past 13 years researching, desperately trying to find any explanation and more importantly a possible solution. [[Look on the bright side... some say 13 is a lucky number...]] [[How many times have you gone through puberty?]]

I have repeated the same life with the same family twice so far however the second time around things were a little different. I used to heavily resemble my mother with my brown eyes and blonde straight hair- but now my eyes are blue instead of brown and my hair is a curly, frizzy mop-top mess of black. [[Not a fan of curly hair?]] [[Go to the zoo]]

No one likes a smart ass.

Enough times where the teenage angst has accumulated and morphed into a mid-life crisis. Any more questions? I have a philosophical jest to attend to. [[One more question...]] [[The difference between a court jester and a fool]]

No one likes a smart ass.

I spend this 13th birthday going to the zoo and eating as much ice cream and cake as my parents let me. Staring at the animals trapped behind glass and metal bars, I find myself envying their miserable existence. They are trapped with a life they don’t deserve nor should want, but because they are mindless animals they are none the wiser. [[Continue extistential crisis...]]

I am nothing but a result of pure chance and a cruel coincidence- because as I have come to understand nothing is left to fate but instead life is a random assembling of pieces, places, people, and phases. [[No shit Sherlock]] [[Go listen to Green Day about it]]

No one likes a smart ass.

I wish I wasn’t aware of what is happening to me. That I could live each of my lives in glee without a single clue that, with each reincarnation, I am just a place holder until next time. [[Jester it is... ->Continue extistential crisis...]]

No one likes a smart ass.

Each and every day my wonderful parents gush about how much they love me, about how special I am, and how there is no one else like me. And as they tuck me into my racecar bed and kiss me goodnight, not knowing that tomorrow when I wake up it will be my 1st birthday for the third time and they won’t be kissing the same child on the forehead, I cannot help but think how they are dead fucking wrong. [[...More Green Day?]]

I am not special. No one is. How can we be when life is such a random order of events and we are all just a random assortment of genes and mRNA sequences. [[On to the next...]]

I open my eyes in the morning to blinding white fluorescent lights and the same smiling faces, and I reach out with chubby fingers to play with my mother’s familiar blonde locks. [[Meet your maker. For the 3rd time]] [[Ask God what you did to deserve this...]]

But my arms are covered in freckles and I can’t help but start wailing, wishing I didn’t have a soul and consciousness that’s lived 26 years. [[Continue to be a cry baby.]] [[What's wrong with freckles? ->Who ever said there is no such thing as a stupid question was lying...]]

There is no God. [[Who ever said there is no such thing as a stupid question was lying...]]

Can you imagine my frustration? [[Yes.]] [[No.]] [[Maybe so.]]

The worst part about being reborn is that I know it’s happening- that I can’t kid myself about my current eternal living situation. Because I’m 26 years old in the body of a one-year-old baby. [[Close your eyes and pretend this is all a bad dream... ->No.]]

Double-click this passage to edit it.

Hearing your parents tell you you are special in three separate bodies kind of takes the meaning out of the words. [[Who are you?]] [[Maybe they mean it?]]

It was a rhetorical question.

I don’t think you can. You are living your life right now and it will be the only you will have to live and everyone you meet will only meet you once. [[... ->Yes.]]

Who I am is not special- who I can be for others however, means a whole lot. Who I am to my parents is the only thing that matters to me anymore- just because my existence warrants suffering doesn’t mean theirs needs to. Plus the good karma of playing the role couldn’t hurt my situation either. [[Be a good son.]]

They love me because I’m their little boy and I’m special because I’m just that- theirs. My meaning isn’t found in my individuality but rather my potential relativity to others. It is quantified based on the depth of the role or purpose I can serve in others lives. [[Cue the Green Day ->Who are you?]] [[Can we get a fact check on this...]]

If you think I’m just saying these things because I’m bitter, you aren’t wrong. But I’m also saying these things because I am the only person on this planet that has lived three lives and understands the insincerity of life’s meaning. [[Be a better son.]]

When you stand alone you are special to none. In the grand scheme of things, in our universe that is speculated to be just one out of infinity, being one of an estimated 7.53 billion people can you truly ascertain that you matter? [[Enough said. ->Be a good son.]]

13 years pass in what feels like an instant because there is nothing meaningful to me to mark the passing of time. //Next time I should try and be an actor. I deserve an Oscar for playing this role of ‘perfect little boy’ for 39 years.// [[See what tomorrow brings... It's your birthday (again) after all...]]

I blow out 13 candles, visit the aquarium with my parents, and they tuck me into my bed with dinosaur bedsheets. [[Sleep.]] [[Don't close your eyes. If you are 39 you should not have a bed time]]

When I wake up, it’s different. [[Look around.]]

The night comes and goes. The morning only brings more woes... [[Look around.]]

I am not in my mother’s arms but rather peering over her shoulder at myself. [[Get a grip Oliver...]]

I clutch my stethoscope- wait what- to my chest and look around the hospital room. [[The definition of a stethoscope.]] [[Have you not learned your lesson... Stop asking stupid questions...]]

//noun// A medical instrument for listening to the action of someone's heart or breathing, typically having a small disc-shaped resonator that is placed against the chest, and two tubes connected to earpieces.

I ascertain that I am no longer their child but rather a doctor that helped deliver them a new child- a blank slate. [[Be a professional.]] [[Be a cry baby.]]

I watch them coddle their new and improved perfect little boy and I feel a deep sadness return to my heart because now my existence truly means nothing. [[Swallow your sadness like an adult.]] [[Be a cry baby.]]

Three strikes and you are out. You are shit out of luck. [[Be a professional.]]

At least before, I had meaning for my parents. Now I am an almost 40-year-old man with a bald spot and hollow eyes. I watch them bestow meaning and kisses on the forehead of somebody else. [[Think. ]] [[Say something.]]

And as my vision gained clarity, I had an epiphany... ''Nothings changed.'' I am just seeing the situation from a third person perspective. [[Mom?]] [[Dad?]]

I mumble under my breath, my tired voice cracking behind thin lips. “I think I just figured out the purpose of life...” [[Think. ]]

My mother turns around. “What was that Dr. Blancan-Vas?” [[Tell her that is not your name.]] [[Say nothing]]

"Anagnorsis?" [[As useless as ever]] [[He was only ever good for playing catch. Move on. ->Mom?]]

"My name is Oliver." [[Don't you recognize your own son?]] [[Do you know who I am?]]

“Nothing... It was nothing.”

"Doctor. I said 'And his name shall be Boris'" [[That is a shitty name]] [[Dont waste your breath. ->Mom?]]

//cricket noises//

Your mother looks at you. No... Through you. "Can we get another doctor in here? Someone less..." [[Involved?]] [[Depressing? ->Was there ever a point to any of it?]] [[Redundant?]]

"The doctor who just delivered us a beautiful boy." [[Demand more praise. ->Don't you recognize your own son?]] [[Leave the room. ->Redundant?]]

This has to be a joke. A sick cosmic justice finally enacted on me, the sinner. [[Sin?]] [[Repent.]]

I hope you see my sorrow, hear my apology, and feel my pain. Because they won’t look at me. They won’t talk to me. And they don’t give a fuck how I feel. So why do I? Ah shit, I’m talking to myself again. This one-sided shit is killing me. [[Heart attack]] [[Awkward silence ->Was there ever a point to any of it?]]

"Enjoy it while it lasts." You mutter under your breath. As you turn to leave, you take one last look at the happy family. [[Was there ever a point to any of it?]]

No. Just like my story and everyone elses... There was never a point. And there will never //ever// be one. [[Who's to say? You don't even know who you are... Oliver?]] [[Give it up and listen to Green Day]] [[Can we at least listen to something else?]]

I wish it were that simple. And as much as I say I wish, it isn’t going to ever be that way. And I just have to accept that. [[You lost me... ->Was there ever a point to any of it?]]

I don’t want to relive moments I am never going to have again... [[What the fuck is in the point in that? ->Was there ever a point to any of it?]]

R.I.P. Oliver ... or Dr. Blancan-Vas?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lPchZK1BFJo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Soa3gO7tL-c

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U3cpdkhtGx0&list=RDU3cpdkhtGx0&start_radio=1&t=4 [[Point taken. ->More Green Day?]]

I feel boxed out of my own body. A person is a cohesive unit and yet I’m scattered: pieces of me left in past memories and people. I do not recall the last time I woke up feeling I was where I was meant to be. [[What do you mean? Can we get a version of this that is like 'Extistential Crisis' for Dummies?!]]

I do not mean when you wake up in a hotel room and for a moment you are disoriented wondering why your surroundings are so unfamiliar. I mean when you wake up in a stranger’s home, with a stranger’s things, and in a body you swore wasn’t yours yesterday. I just wish when I was naked I didn’t feel like I was wearing an itchy costume that's two sizes too big. [[I thought you said no more wishes...]]

I don’t remember when my house stopped being my home but now I have nowhere safe to lie my head... I grow more lost everyday looking for the last time I saw myself. [[Oliver?]] [[Who am I?]]

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